I was born into somewhat simple means. The first few years of my childhood were spent learning renegade law on the mean streets of a trailer park where they ate perky little blonde girls for breakfast.

Before I knew it I was laying in a pool of my own vomit behind a fraternity house dumpster at the best state university the government’s money can buy.

After college I got a job at an advertising agency where I got to dress up as a giant sandwich. After a few years of actually having the perfect life filled with all the sandwiches I could eat I got pregnant and left my 10-year career in advertising to hang out at home. Then I started blogging.

The end.

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