Day Old Bread


Ten years ago when I would pick up my friends for girls night out the first thing they would say upon entering my car was something like, "this party is going to be so crazy!" or "do you know what crabs looks like?"

Last night, as I tried to look as cool as possible rolling up in my mini van to pick up my three single friends, I was painfully reminded of my station in life when the first words out of their mouths as they piled in were, "is that a portable toilet?"  Oh, which P.S. was followed by "I don't think I can fit in between these two car seats." 

My transition into an actual adult is nearly complete.  Which would be a lot easier to swallow if everyone in the world was on the same page.  Last week, my brother-in-law announced he had proposed to his girlfriend on the same day that I had dinner with one of my best friends and she dropped the bomb that she and her husband are going to try to have another baby. 

It was pretty much the worst day ever. 

Don't get me wrong - I love love LOVE my soon-to-be new sister-in-law and my friend having a third means more playmates for my girls.  But it also means that I'm officially day old bread.  Now that I'm married, and my child bearing days are behind me, I'm not going to be everyone's focus anymore.  Other people will get all the attention and all I can do is idly stand by and watch and maybe spread nasty rumors every once in a while about my friends in a jealous revenge.

And it's not just my friends.  I see pregnant people everywhere I look.  Happy wedding parties taking pictures by fountains galore.  And I just keep getting older, less interesting, and completely ridiculous when I try to wear the latest fashions.  I don't know about you, but when I wear those leggings it reminds me of one time I got really drunk at my sorority formal and walked around with my skirt tucked into my pantyhose all night. 

However, I will say that I decided this morning that my new year's resolution will be to focus on the positive and embrace my new elderly status.

That and also get a chin lift by the beginning of the summer.   

Happy Holidays From The Mayers

Dear Friends, Family and Random Blog Reader Strangers I pray every night aren't pedophiles going to steal my kids,

Happy holidays! I thought I'd take a quick moment to share our many blessings and let everyone know what the Mayer family has been up to this year.

2012 kicked off my with OB prescribing me a healthy dose of Zoloft to deal with a bitch of a post partum hormonal mood disorder. I spent a lot of time wondering how many Big Macs I could eat before my stomach exploded.  Yowza! 

In February we hit a bit of a rough patch with recurring illnesses with the girls. There wasn't a single day in all of February that someone didn't have a dangerously high fever, pink eye or play musical projectile vomiting.

Wakka wakka!

In March Ellie hit a major milestone – potty training! Have you ever chased something through your house that is actively shitting all over your floor with every step it takes? And you try to run faster to catch it but you can't because there's something feverishly trying to suck your sore, tender nipples clean off your boobs?

Some days I would just take a little “me time” and decompress by firing up some Enya on my iPod, locking myself in the bathroom, putting my head between my knees and screaming into a bath towel as loud as I could until I was on the verge of passing out. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By April the money we had saved for a three day a week nanny ran out and that's when I started hitting the hooch like a boss. The entire summer is a bit sketchy but I'm pretty sure at one point we had a monkey named Mr. Vittles living in our dryer.

Lila started pre-school in August and has been busy making some great new friends! One of the little boys taught her how to smack people in the face and now I can barely make it through an entire day without getting surprised bitch slapped with both hands. What a rascal!

Hadley turned one in November – where does the time go?! Nick and I actually blew off her birthday to go to one of his six work-related holiday parties that had an open bar. We were going to get her a gift but we never did.

Speaking of Nick, his work has been really successful and busy. The two days a month he gets off we've had some great adventures. Like one time we went to Hardee's.

I've been spending the past few months working on perfecting our family routine and maximizing some domestic logistical efficiencies around the house. For instance, did you know you can save a ton of time on laundry if everyone wears the same clothes every day? Same with the dishes – there's really no reason you can't use the same plate and silverware for a week or two before it really needs a run through the old dishwasher. Actually, that rule pretty much applies to anything that needs washing.

And did you know that meatloaf only needs like three ingredients, most of which are optional?  Sometimes I just throw some hamburger in the crockpot and viola!  Dinner is served. 

From our house to yours, Merry Christmas and happy new year!

To Hadley on her first birthday


When I first found out that I was pregnant with you I knew for a fact that out of all the families in the world you had chosen us. 

After I took six pregnancy tests and picked my jaw up off the floor and had a panic attack and ripped the calendar off the wall and stared at it for two hours wondering when in the hell this happened, I knew out of all the families in the world you had chosen us. 

You saw things were hectic and hurried and overwhelming at the Mayer house and if you didn't take matters into your own hands and jump right in it might never happen. 

My goal every day is to give you the attention you deserve, and every day I fall short.  I have yet to read you an entire book without being interrupted multiple times, rock you to sleep at bedtime or enroll you in some sort of enrichment class that I used to think was oh-so-crucial to every child's development. 

But none of that seems to phase you.  You know a billion words, can almost hold a conversation and can count to five.  In Portuguese.  Besides, at this point you consider yourself lucky that I haven't forgotten you in a shopping cart in the parking lot and (usually) remember to feed you. 

I was so happy you were a girl to complete our family's female trifecta, contrary to what everyone seems to believe.  Sharing a room with two older sisters so close in age you haven't known a lonely moment in your life and I pray that never changes.

Other things you haven't known:  a clean house, a meal that doesn't involve a crockpot or meatloaf (usually simultaneously) and Christmas decorations. 

I promise to get my shit together soon after you leave for college. 

You are my last baby and, though I promised myself I wouldn't, I treat you differently.  I try my best to prolong every milestone, every outfit, every expression, every day.  I consciously soak up every memory because I know how quickly it will disappear, like it never happened. 

In a year I'll look back on today and it will seem like a crazy dream with all the beautiful details all fuzzy and blurred out. 

You are cute as a button and with those eyes and that hair you're going to be able to charm your way right though life.  If with no one else but your Dad. 

You are smart, determined and fearless.  You are loving and lovable, so much fun, extremely perceptive and your timing is impeccable. 

You are the exclamation point at the end of our sentence. 

And, most importantly, you are an awesome dancer. 

In the words of your favorite song:
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Death of a laptop

I don't know if you've ever experienced the death of a laptop, but it's not unlike the death of a loved one.  Well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.  It's more like the death of a distant relative you didn't know existed, or someone who used to work in your building but you didn't care all that much about. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is all we are is dust in the wind. 

Anyhoo, I haven't written in a while because my laptop died.  I went to turn it on one night, all settled in with a nice glass of wine ready to spend some serious time on Block Shopper to see how much my neighbors paid for their houses, when the screen turned yellow with black dots and started flashing on and off really fast, like a Mexican disco tech.  I wasn't sure if it was the wine or my computer but either way I knew it wasn't good. 

I was in denial for a few weeks and just pretended like everything was like it was back when my computer was still of this earth.  With the exception of the occasional Facebook check in on my Blackberry, I was completely cut off from cyberspace.  And, believe it or not, after the initial panic wore off I actually found it quite liberating.  Time that used to be sucked into a Pinterest vortex was now being spent reading books, making Christmas gifts for our neighbors:

and changing my kids' diapers.  Apparently you're supposed to do that more than once a day.

But then funny things started happening, like my bills didn't get paid.  I also started developing a warped sense of self because I was watching a lot of Real Housewives of New Jersey. 

It was time to pay the piper.  And by piper I mean Amazon. 

I started my new laptop research which, when you are relegated to a 2" screen to research and buy a laptop, takes about two minutes before you say screw it and buy the first thing you see with more than two stars. 

So you'll be happy to know that my new laptop has arrived, I'm back to writing and, more importantly, spending hours and hours on Pinterest searching things like really classy felt Christmas trees.