Anyhoo, here goes. Strap on your seat belts.
100 things about me:
1. My grandparents are first cousins.
2. The "little voice inside my head" sounds like Redd Foxx.3. When I was a kid we lived in a trailer park. Like, a hard core old school trailer park. My Mom referred to our next door neighbors as "the kids with the sores."
4. My favorite smell in the world is the Cancun airport. It smells like beer and pee and good. It does NOT smell like kids or breastfeeding or responsibility or caring.
5. Our wedding song was "Gold Digger."
6. Once when I was little I saw a ghost. And once in college I saw a talking shark come out of my friend Carrie's TV but I was tripping major balls so that probably explains the talking shark.
7. My dream job has always been to be a mascot. Once I got to throw out the first pitch at the Cardinals game wearing a giant sandwich.
8. I've never had a speeding ticket, but once I got pulled over doing 94 in a 55. You can draw your own conclusions.
9. Both of my little sisters wet the bed until they were teenagers. That actually has nothing to do with me but I like to publicly humiliate them whenever I can.
10. When I was 28 I took a leave of absence from my job at an advertising agency and backpacked around Eastern Europe for three months, mostly by myself. Traveling by yourself just means you don't have lots of pictures of yourself but you sometimes get bored of just taking pictures of scenery and secretly take pictures of weirdos.
Yes, his shirt says "out of control." And I believed it.
11. One summer in college I studied abroad in Mexico.
12. My favorite city in the world is Key West.
13. I've never forgiven my Mom for feeding me braunschweiger sandwiches when I was little without disclosing what they were made from.
14. I hate dogs. I think it should be illegal to own them.
15. Same goes for guns.
16. Wait - except for blind people. The dogs, not the guns. And then only if they super swear pinkie promise that the blind helper dog won't maul anyone's face or bite anyone or repeatedly stick its wet nose in your crotch when you're tying to have a normal conversation with your ex-boyfriend and everyone keeps laughing because the dog is obsessed with your crotch and you're trying to be all cool like "no no doggie" but you're really thinking "get your fucking nose out of my crotch before I kick you in the teeth."
17. I love to water ski but hate to snow ski.
18. I know there are a ton of awesome movies out there, but if I had to pick my favorite I guess it would have to be Howard the Duck. It really covers all the bases.
19. Same for songs. A lot of classics over the years but for my money it's the Howard the Duck theme song every time.
20. I have crippling fears of three things: Snakes, heights and tornadoes.
21. I have non-crippling fears of lots of other things: choking, horseback riding, dogs, germs, getting dragged into a bar fight, the Exorcist movie, being framed for a crime I didn't commit, hitting a deer and having the deer come through my windshield and touch me with its creepy face, sharks, the eye doctor, flesh eating viruses, walking across those grates on the street that cover like a 25-foot drop and getting touched by a fish are just a few.
22. I know the whole Thriller dance.
23. My favorite hobby is spying. Sometimes our baby monitor picks up the neighbors' cordless phone conversations.
24. Jesus Christ am I really only on number 24? This has taken me like an hour already. This sucks. I'm going to make a drink.
25. K I'm back. Here we go. Taco Bell is my all-time favorite restaurant.
26. If I had three wishes I would wish for a lifetime supply of Grilled Stuft Burritos and give the genie back the other two wishes because I would have everything I ever wanted.
27. I thought I was half Chinese until I was in third grade because my eyes are so narrow.
28. I have control issues to the point where I can't ride in other people's cars.
29. I only have two things on my bucket list - battle rap at Eight Mile and coin a sexual act. You know, like the "Mahogany Screamer" or the "Alabama Death Sentence."
30. I drink an average of 4 diet sodas a day. The last two usually have whiskey in them. Unless it's Tuesday and then it's the first two.
31. The word 'refreshment' is my favorite word.
32. The word 'potty' is my least favorite.
33. When I was 11 I broke the world record for jumping on a pogo stick.
34. Once a fortune teller told me I would have two boys. I want my money back.
35. In eighth grade I took a school field trip to a slaughter house. After that I didn't eat pork for sixteen years, and now it's just bacon and the occasional pork loin.
36. However, for two years in college I had an addiction to imitation bacon bits. I would eat them by the container. Thinking about it still makes my mouth water.
37. Speaking of making your mouth water - I did 22 shots on my 21st birthday. It's probably the closest I've ever come to death. Speaking of death - time for another drink.
38. I've never broken a bone. Oh God this is still boring. Time to embarrass one of my sisters.
39. My sister Beth has braces. She's 32.
40. If I could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, it would be Jason Bateman. I would offer him a nice glass of red wine, then slip him a roofie and lock him in a spider hole in my basement. I would then inject memory erasing drugs into him via an IV I would place in his jugular as well as administer a series of regular shock therapy treatments to place new, false memories of our wonderful life together. I would then slowly re-integrate him into society and live happily ever after.
41. I like bowling.
42. I have had a job every day of my life since I was 12. The hardest has been my current job, full-time Mom.
43. The second hardest was little league umpire. They're similar in many ways.
44. My college summer job was doing PR/research for a pediatrician who was born a man, lived 18 years as a woman, then went back to being a man. His practice was in a farm house and my office was out back in a barn surrounded by farm animals.
45. My favorite job was an adjunct marketing professor at a local university. I quit after a year because a student threatened my life over a grade. Last year he sent me a Facebook friend request.
46. Walking on wet grass, especially wet grass that was recently cut and the clippings stick to my feet, gives me the heebies.
47. My sister is alive today because she called shotgun before her friend.
48. I have OCD. I'm constantly cleaning out drawers and closets. I check to make sure my DVDs are alphabetized every day. My clothes are also alphabetized.
49. I think expensive cars are a sign of insecurity.
50. I don't like chocolate.
51. I'm usually the first one at a party to do a keg stand.
52. I'm also constantly scanning the dance floor for something I can use as a stage.
53. If I could have one plastic surgery procedure done I would fix my non-existent jaw line.
54. Wait - I changed my mind. My favorite movie is Pretty Woman. That scene where she tries on all the clothes... then tells those stuffy bitches they can suck it... oh man that's classic. I stand up and do a crotch chop at the TV every time she says, "Big mistake. Big. Huge."
55. My first concert was Eddie Rabbitt.
56. There were 18 people in my graduating class who were either pregnant or had a baby. The first person in my class who got pregnant was in 6th grade.
57. I haven't missed a county fair in 14 years.
58. Wait - I changed my mind again. You know that Reese Witherspoon movie where she's all successful then goes back to her hillbilly home town and shows everyone how bad they suck? Yeah that was awesome. Except half way through the movie I realized both those guys were huge d-bags and I really wanted her to just dump them both and move to Mexico and the movie ends with her doing shots on a beach somewhere. But then right before the ending she turns around and look who it is! Thelma and Louise because they actually survived the car falling into the Grand Canyon and made it to Mexico. And they all hang out and get into humorous situations because that Thelma is such a crack up!
59. When I was 4 my babysitter locked me in a small windowless bathroom and turned off the light because I was talking during her TV show. To this day I have a panic attack if someone shuts the lights off on me unexpectedly.
60. I believe in euthanasia. Especially for that babysitter.
61. Woah woah woah - I forgot about Dirty Dancing. You can't deny the chemistry between Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray's nose. And that dude from Law and Order? What was his name? Orson Wells or something? I've just written 61 things about myself and am way too tired to Google meaningless stuff like that now. But man that little rat bastard Neil got what he had coming. Pichanga my ass.
62. Once I streaked through a neighborhood.
63. I'm divorced - in a good way.
64. Now I'm re-married - in a better way.
65. I've danced on a stage with Ton Loc and Young M.C.
66. My super power would be killing people via a lightning bolt that comes out of my finger.
67. I have a weird habit of playing with my shirt tails and all of my t-shirts have holes in the bottom of them.
68. My favorite TV show is Wheel of Fortune.
69. My new career goal is to have a book on the New York Times best seller list.
70. Man I really want to find that bitch babysitter and kick her in the temple. It was fucking Love Boat she was watching. Love Boat! At least if it was something good like The Hulk or Dukes of Hazzard I might be a little more understanding.
71. I once won an M.C. Hammer dance contest. My prize was a shot of Blueberry Schnapps.
72. I had two miscarriages before I had my three girls. One was a boy, I don't know about the other one.
73. Waaah waaah *sad trombone noise*. Who called Debbie Downer? Let's see... remember that time I told you I streaked through a neighborhood? That was an awesome one.
74. Wearing glasses makes me feel smarter. I always wear them to meetings and networking events or any other time I feel insecure even though I only really need to wear them when I drive.
75. Man now I can't stop thinking about bitches and this one time when I was getting my master's I ran into one of my classmates at Mardi Gras. I smiled and waved and she rolled her eyes and said, "oh great, it's the question asker" and walked away. She can suck it just like those stuffy bitches, and just like Neil with his stupid Pichanga ideas.
76. Oh, and while we're at it I had a horrible bully who made my life hell all through middle and high school. I credit her with my college scholarship because I was too scared to go to parties for fear she might be there so I sat in my room and studied a lot. She's in jail now. I hope she gets gang raped.
77. The thing I miss most about my life before kids is happy hour with my co-workers.
78. By the time Hadley was born I had been pregnant for 34 of the previous 48 months. Actually - I had just found out I was pregnant with Ellie in the happy hour picture above and I'm drinking an O'Douls. Speaking of O'Douls - time to grab another drink. Except not O'Douls.
79. Once a waitress at a karaoke bar told me my rendition of Me So Horny was the "best she's ever heard."
80. My feet are flat as pancakes. So are Lila's. I run like I'm pulling a plow.
81. Our goal for retirement is to buy a sail boat and move to the Caribbean. I close my eyes and picture it every time I take the Pottery Barn catalogue straight to the trash can. Then I close my eyes and picture myself beating the shit out of that babysitter and the bully and the girl who called me The Question Asker. First I would crack their skulls together, and throw their unconscious bodies in my spider hole after I'm finished with Jason Bateman. Except I would throw boiling water on them and scream "Da plane da plane!" That was Love Boat, right?
82. Once I ate Papa John's pizza out of the trash can. I would do it again. Wow - BOOOOORING. Reer-reer (that's my siren)... time for another embarrassment.
83. My sister Sarah has to trim her eyebrows with a blow torch because they grow in 34 different directions. When she was little we used to call her "pestanas extranas".
No, the picture isn't flipped, she wrote "HB" for "Happy Birthday" in the mirror and it's reversed on her face. Yes, she is trying to lick the frosting off. She's "special".
84. I wear latex gloves when I make dinner because touching raw meat makes me want to yarf.
85. I would rather be punched in the face than tickled.
86. I don't like hugs.
87. I don't like Seinfeld.
88. I know what you're thinking - man, what kind of bitch doesn't like chocolate, hugs, Seinfeld or dogs? This list is making me look like a really bad person. Oh and there's the whole boiling water on the bitches part. But they deserve it! Quick... think of something good... once I tried to put a baby bird back in its nest. Well but then the Mom came back and kicked it out again because it smelled me or something and then I saw my cat carrying it around in its mouth later that afternoon so that really didn't work out real well for the bird. Just give me a minute. Let me grab a drink while I'm thinking.
89. My favorite meal is beer and wedding cake.
90. I try to make each day count.
91. I'm shitting you. I go to bed each night surprised that everyone still has their limbs.
92. We used to go everywhere in the back of my Dad's pick-up truck, including camping trip "vacations." In order to maximize our travel time we had to pee in a coffee can back there. We would usually hold our pee until we saw a trucker coming up because we loved when they honked their horns.
93. I have had 20,409 people visit this blog since I started keeping track.
94. "Old man balls" is the 9th most frequent phrase Googled to get here.
95. Growing up my Dad repeatedly begged my sisters and me never to get a tattoo. It's a sun, on my lower right back. But hey - at least I'm not a stripper. Except that one time I did dance on a stage at a strip club but my co-workers dragged me there and then the strippers pulled me up on stage and what am I supposed to do? Tell them no?
96. When I was 7 I pooped the bed and woke up terrified that I had sprouted balls in the middle of the night in some sort of freak puberty misfire.
97. Die bitches die
98. I should probably take my Zoloft now
99. Okay. While I was taking a little Zoloft break I was thinking about it and I didn't really come up with anything that would impress you with my goodness. But I would totally help you if you needed it. Unless you needed money or something, or needed something after I had already fallen asleep for the night or I'm taking a nap. Or needed me to drive a really long distance or wanted to borrow my coat if it's cold outside. But most other things I would happily lend a hand.
100. Maybe it's the whiskey talking but I feel I want to leave you with this - I've seen a million faces... and I've rocked them all.