100 Things About Me

So I got this idea from my friend Rita.  Friend in a "I've never actually met you, or spoken to you, but we're both bloggers" sort of way.  Rita has three boys and doesn't know it yet but I plan to arrange marriages with them for my three girls so we can join forces and become an in-law crime fighting blogging super power. 

Anyhoo, here goes.  Strap on your seat belts.   

100 things about me: 

1.  My grandparents are first cousins. 

2.  The "little voice inside my head" sounds like Redd Foxx. 

3.  When I was a kid we lived in a trailer park.  Like, a hard core old school trailer park.  My Mom referred to our next door neighbors as "the kids with the sores." 
4.  My favorite smell in the world is the Cancun airport.  It smells like beer and pee and good.  It does NOT smell like kids or breastfeeding or responsibility or caring. 
5.  Our wedding song was "Gold Digger."

6.  Once when I was little I saw a ghost.  And once in college I saw a talking shark come out of my friend Carrie's TV but I was tripping major balls so that probably explains the talking shark. 
7.  My dream job has always been to be a mascot.  Once I got to throw out the first pitch at the Cardinals game wearing a giant sandwich.   

8.  I've never had a speeding ticket, but once I got pulled over doing 94 in a 55.  You can draw your own conclusions.
9.  Both of my little sisters wet the bed until they were teenagers.  That actually has nothing to do with me but I like to publicly humiliate them whenever I can.
10.  When I was 28 I took a leave of absence from my job at an advertising agency and backpacked around Eastern Europe for three months, mostly by myself.  Traveling by yourself just means you don't have lots of pictures of yourself but you sometimes get bored of just taking pictures of scenery and secretly take pictures of weirdos. 

 
Yes, his shirt says "out of control."  And I believed it. 
11.  One summer in college I studied abroad in Mexico.
12.  My favorite city in the world is Key West. 
13.  I've never forgiven my Mom for feeding me braunschweiger sandwiches when I was little without disclosing what they were made from. 
14.  I hate dogs.  I think it should be illegal to own them. 
15.  Same goes for guns. 
16.  Wait - except for blind people.  The dogs, not the guns.  And then only if they super swear pinkie promise that the blind helper dog won't maul anyone's face or bite anyone or repeatedly stick its wet nose in your crotch when you're tying to have a normal conversation with your ex-boyfriend and everyone keeps laughing because the dog is obsessed with your crotch and you're trying to be all cool like "no no doggie" but you're really thinking "get your fucking nose out of my crotch before I kick you in the teeth." 
17. I love to water ski but hate to snow ski.

18.  I know there are a ton of awesome movies out there, but if I had to pick my favorite I guess it would have to be Howard the Duck. It really covers all the bases.
19.  Same for songs. A lot of classics over the years but for my money it's the Howard the Duck theme song every time.   
20.  I have crippling fears of three things:  Snakes, heights and tornadoes.
21.  I have non-crippling fears of lots of other things:  choking, horseback riding, dogs, germs, getting dragged into a bar fight, the Exorcist movie, being framed for a crime I didn't commit, hitting a deer and having the deer come through my windshield and touch me with its creepy face, sharks, the eye doctor, flesh eating viruses, walking across those grates on the street that cover like a 25-foot drop and getting touched by a fish are just a few. 
22.  I know the whole Thriller dance. 
23.  My favorite hobby is spying.  Sometimes our baby monitor picks up the neighbors' cordless phone conversations.   
24.  Jesus Christ am I really only on number 24?  This has taken me like an hour already.  This sucks.  I'm going to make a drink.     
25.  K I'm back.  Here we go.  Taco Bell is my all-time favorite restaurant.
26.  If I had three wishes I would wish for a lifetime supply of Grilled Stuft Burritos and give the genie back the other two wishes because I would have everything I ever wanted. 
27.  I thought I was half Chinese until I was in third grade because my eyes are so narrow. 
28.  I have control issues to the point where I can't ride in other people's cars. 
29.  I only have two things on my bucket list - battle rap at Eight Mile and coin a sexual act.  You know, like the "Mahogany Screamer" or the "Alabama Death Sentence."
30.  I drink an average of 4 diet sodas a day.  The last two usually have whiskey in them.  Unless it's Tuesday and then it's the first two.     
31.  The word 'refreshment' is my favorite word.
32.  The word 'potty' is my least favorite. 
33.  When I was 11 I broke the world record for jumping on a pogo stick.
34.  Once a fortune teller told me I would have two boys.  I want my money back. 
35.  In eighth grade I took a school field trip to a slaughter house.  After that I didn't eat pork for sixteen years, and now it's just bacon and the occasional pork loin.
36.  However, for two years in college I had an addiction to imitation bacon bits.  I would eat them by the container.  Thinking about it still makes my mouth water.   
37.  Speaking of making your mouth water - I did 22 shots on my 21st birthday.  It's probably the closest I've ever come to death.  Speaking of death - time for another drink. 

 
38.  I've never broken a bone.  Oh God this is still boring.  Time to embarrass one of my sisters.   
39.  My sister Beth has braces. She's 32. 
40.  If I could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, it would be Jason Bateman.  I would offer him a nice glass of red wine, then slip him a roofie and lock him in a spider hole in my basement.  I would then inject memory erasing drugs into him via an IV I would place in his jugular as well as administer a series of regular shock therapy treatments to place new, false memories of our wonderful life together.  I would then slowly re-integrate him into society and live happily ever after.
41. I like bowling. 
42. I have had a job every day of my life since I was 12. The hardest has been my current job, full-time Mom.
43. The second hardest was little league umpire. They're similar in many ways.
44.  My college summer job was doing PR/research for a pediatrician who was born a man, lived 18 years as a woman, then went back to being a man.  His practice was in a farm house and my office was out back in a barn surrounded by farm animals. 
45. My favorite job was an adjunct marketing professor at a local university. I quit after a year because a student threatened my life over a grade.  Last year he sent me a Facebook friend request.
46.  Walking on wet grass, especially wet grass that was recently cut and the clippings stick to my feet, gives me the heebies. 
47.  My sister is alive today because she called shotgun before her friend. 
48.  I have OCD.  I'm constantly cleaning out drawers and closets.  I check to make sure my DVDs are alphabetized every day.  My clothes are also alphabetized. 
49.  I think expensive cars are a sign of insecurity. 
50.  I don't like chocolate.
51.  I'm usually the first one at a party to do a keg stand. 
52.  I'm also constantly scanning the dance floor for something I can use as a stage. 
53.  If I could have one plastic surgery procedure done I would fix my non-existent jaw line.
54.  Wait - I changed my mind. My favorite movie is Pretty Woman. That scene where she tries on all the clothes... then tells those stuffy bitches they can suck it... oh man that's classic.  I stand up and do a crotch chop at the TV every time she says, "Big mistake.  Big.  Huge."
55.  My first concert was Eddie Rabbitt. 
56.  There were 18 people in my graduating class who were either pregnant or had a baby.  The first person in my class who got pregnant was in 6th grade. 
57.  I haven't missed a county fair in 14 years.

58.  Wait - I changed my mind again. You know that Reese Witherspoon movie where she's all successful then goes back to her hillbilly home town and shows everyone how bad they suck? Yeah that was awesome. Except half way through the movie I realized both those guys were huge d-bags and I really wanted her to just dump them both and move to Mexico and the movie ends with her doing shots on a beach somewhere.  But then right before the ending she turns around and look who it is!  Thelma and Louise because they actually survived the car falling into the Grand Canyon and made it to Mexico.  And they all hang out and get into humorous situations because that Thelma is such a crack up!   
59.  When I was 4 my babysitter locked me in a small windowless bathroom and turned off the light because I was talking during her TV show.  To this day I have a panic attack if someone shuts the lights off on me unexpectedly. 
60.  I believe in euthanasia.  Especially for that babysitter.
61.  Woah woah woah - I forgot about Dirty Dancing.  You can't deny the chemistry between Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray's nose.  And that dude from Law and Order?  What was his name?  Orson Wells or something?  I've just written 61 things about myself and am way too tired to Google meaningless stuff like that now.  But man that little rat bastard Neil got what he had coming.  Pichanga my ass.   
62.  Once I streaked through a neighborhood.
63.  I'm divorced - in a good way.
64.  Now I'm re-married - in a better way. 
65.  I've danced on a stage with Ton Loc and Young M.C.

66.  My super power would be killing people via a lightning bolt that comes out of my finger.
67.  I have a weird habit of playing with my shirt tails and all of my t-shirts have holes in the bottom of them.
68.  My favorite TV show is Wheel of Fortune.
69.  My new career goal is to have a book on the New York Times best seller list.   
70.  Man I really want to find that bitch babysitter and kick her in the temple.  It was fucking Love Boat she was watching.  Love Boat!  At least if it was something good like The Hulk or Dukes of Hazzard I might be a little more understanding.   
71.  I once won an M.C. Hammer dance contest.  My prize was a shot of Blueberry Schnapps.
72.  I had two miscarriages before I had my three girls.  One was a boy, I don't know about the other one. 
73. Waaah waaah *sad trombone noise*.  Who called Debbie Downer?  Let's see... remember that time I told you I streaked through a neighborhood?  That was an awesome one.   
74.  Wearing glasses makes me feel smarter.  I always wear them to meetings and networking events or any other time I feel insecure even though I only really need to wear them when I drive. 
75.  Man now I can't stop thinking about bitches and this one time when I was getting my master's I ran into one of my classmates at Mardi Gras.  I smiled and waved and she rolled her eyes and said, "oh great, it's the question asker" and walked away.  She can suck it just like those stuffy bitches, and just like Neil with his stupid Pichanga ideas.   
76.  Oh, and while we're at it I had a horrible bully who made my life hell all through middle and high school.  I credit her with my college scholarship because I was too scared to go to parties for fear she might be there so I sat in my room and studied a lot.  She's in jail now.  I hope she gets gang raped.   
77.  The thing I miss most about my life before kids is happy hour with my co-workers.

78.  By the time Hadley was born I had been pregnant for 34 of the previous 48 months.  Actually - I had just found out I was pregnant with Ellie in the happy hour picture above and I'm drinking an O'Douls.  Speaking of O'Douls - time to grab another drink.  Except not O'Douls.     
79.  Once a waitress at a karaoke bar told me my rendition of Me So Horny was the "best she's ever heard."
80.  My feet are flat as pancakes.  So are Lila's.  I run like I'm pulling a plow.
81.  Our goal for retirement is to buy a sail boat and move to the Caribbean.  I close my eyes and picture it every time I take the Pottery Barn catalogue straight to the trash can. Then I close my eyes and picture myself beating the shit out of that babysitter and the bully and the girl who called me The Question Asker.  First I would crack their skulls together, and throw their unconscious bodies in my spider hole after I'm finished with Jason Bateman.  Except I would throw boiling water on them and scream "Da plane da plane!"  That was Love Boat, right? 
82.  Once I ate Papa John's pizza out of the trash can.  I would do it again.  Wow - BOOOOORING.  Reer-reer (that's my siren)... time for another embarrassment.   
83.  My sister Sarah has to trim her eyebrows with a blow torch because they grow in 34 different directions.  When she was little we used to call her "pestanas extranas". 

No, the picture isn't flipped, she wrote "HB" for "Happy Birthday" in the mirror and it's reversed on her face. Yes, she is trying to lick the frosting off.  She's "special".     
84.  I wear latex gloves when I make dinner because touching raw meat makes me want to yarf. 
85.  I would rather be punched in the face than tickled. 
86.  I don't like hugs.
87.  I don't like Seinfeld. 
88.  I know what you're thinking - man, what kind of bitch doesn't like chocolate, hugs, Seinfeld or dogs?  This list is making me look like a really bad person.  Oh and there's the whole boiling water on the bitches part.  But they deserve it!  Quick... think of something good... once I tried to put a baby bird back in its nest.  Well but then the Mom came back and kicked it out again because it smelled me or something and then I saw my cat carrying it around in its mouth later that afternoon so that really didn't work out real well for the bird.  Just give me a minute.  Let me grab a drink while I'm thinking.   
89.  My favorite meal is beer and wedding cake.
90.  I try to make each day count. 
91.  I'm shitting you.  I go to bed each night surprised that everyone still has their limbs.
92.  We used to go everywhere in the back of my Dad's pick-up truck, including camping trip "vacations."  In order to maximize our travel time we had to pee in a coffee can back there.  We would usually hold our pee until we saw a trucker coming up because we loved when they honked their horns.   
93.  I have had 20,409 people visit this blog since I started keeping track. 
94.  "Old man balls" is the 9th most frequent phrase Googled to get here.
95.  Growing up my Dad repeatedly begged my sisters and me never to get a tattoo.  It's a sun, on my lower right back. But hey - at least I'm not a stripper.  Except that one time I did dance on a stage at a strip club but my co-workers dragged me there and then the strippers pulled me up on stage and what am I supposed to do?  Tell them no? 
96.  When I was 7 I pooped the bed and woke up terrified that I had sprouted balls in the middle of the night in some sort of freak puberty misfire.
97.  Die bitches die
98.  I should probably take my Zoloft now
99.  Okay.  While I was taking a little Zoloft break I was thinking about it and I didn't really come up with anything that would impress you with my goodness.  But I would totally help you if you needed it.  Unless you needed money or something, or needed something after I had already fallen asleep for the night or I'm taking a nap.  Or needed me to drive a really long distance or wanted to borrow my coat if it's cold outside.  But most other things I would happily lend a hand.   
100.  Maybe it's the whiskey talking but I feel I want to leave you with this - I've seen a million faces... and I've rocked them all.

Winterest Friday

So here's another installment of Pinterest in Real Life - things I see on Pinterest and attempt to do in the privacy of my own home. 

Then share with thousands of people. 

Here's the first one - family wedding pictures in old barn windows.

To be fair, this is something I did when Pinterest was still a gleam in Bill Gates' eye.  Actually I don't know who invented Pinterest but I figure he probably had something to do with it. 

We had this at our wedding when guests walked in.  See?

See how much I liked it?

Ahhh.  What a beautiful day everyone tells me it was. 

Anyhoo, here are a couple of other cutesie things I've done -

And when I say "I", I actually mean "my niece Rikki".  It's not really my style to get "messy" or "do stuff with my kids."

Well, though I did supervise this one. 

This particular angel got some wings coming out her booty.  We did this one on Martini Monday.

And, if you'd like to follow me on Pinterest, just do it here.  Now.  Riiiiight... now.  Okay now. 

Snuggies

Dress:  J. Crew Elinor dress in polka dot
Necklace:  Kane County Flea Market
Shoes:  Look at me.  I'm dripping kids.  You think I have time to shop for shoes?

First of all, pay no attention to the fact that Hadley and Nick's heads are five times bigger than their bodies and Lila is doing some kind of creepy exorcist neck contortion.  Let's just say we had some "issues" getting everyone to look at the camera at once and I had to use some Amish Photoshop to give the impression that I have the perfect family.  With elephantitis. 

Okay, now down to business.  Today is national blue and green day, and I'm joining lots of really cool bloggers to raise awareness for an awesome organization - Donate Life Missouri.  We were tasked with styling an outfit in blue and green, which was a big ole challenge for me considering my idea of fashion forward is ordering the leopard print Snuggie vs. the solid brown one. 

Already an organ donor?  Great.  Read no further.  Get back to work before your boss unexpectedly pokes his head in your cubicle.  Again.      

No?  Well, pull up a chair, my friend, while I regale you with my extensive knowledge of organs:

• A single donor can save the lives of up to eight people and enhance the lives of fifty more.
• Thousands of people die or suffer each year while waiting for an organ or tissue donation. 
• Anyone can be a donor.  People of all ages can donate - your medical condition at the time of death will determine what organs and tissues can be donated.   

Okay, that's pretty much all I know about organ donation.  But what more do you need?

So now that I've done a thorough job of convincing you to donate, what do you do?

1.  Join the registry here.
2.  Don't live in Missouri?  You can sign up here.

Easy peasy.  You can also do it when you renew your license at the DMV and you'll get a cool little heart on your license, giving you some street cred the next time you buy whiskey at the grocery store. 

You might want to be careful, though, because if you're in an accident and the police man sees the little heart he might think of his uncle on the waiting list for a kidney and take his sweet ass time calling for back-up.

Jeez, relax!  Just a little organ donation humor.  That doesn't happen - it's just an urban legend, like leprechauns or Eskimos. 

Oh, and if you want to get in on the blue and green day action, just upload a pic of yourself in blue and green on their Facebook page (this one for Missouri residents, and this one for everyone else).  Donate America will select the top 10 looks, and those lucky individuals will each receive a $100 Visa gift card.  Donate Missouri will also be randomly selecting individuals to receive a Donate Life gift pack.   
   
So sign the registry today.  I promise you'll have a nice warm cozy feeling inside, sort of like wearing a Snuggie. 

And check out my hot friends' blue and green looks:

The Cubicle Chick
This is How Mom Rolls
Original Cyn
Rung Boutique
Crazy and Cool With a Side of Crafty
COMO Style

Faces of meth

It took me a few weeks to be able to write this post because I had to let the wound heal a little.  And by wound heal a little I mean every time I think about it my throat starts to close up and my eyebrow twitches uncontrollably for about three hours.

It was your ordinary Thursday night.  Nick went out to meet his buddies and I settled in with a nice glass of wine and prepared myself for a few hours of uninterrupted cyberstalking.  I typed in my password to log on to my computer and it wasn't accepted.  Five tries later and I remembered Lila had snuck into the office that morning and I found her banging away on my laptop, so I realized she must have changed it. 

Which, if you've ever changed a password, know that this task requires you to first confirm you want to change it, type in the old password and then type in the new one.  Twice.  Considering she's 1, this confirms my suspicions that she is actually a midget Russian spy sent to gain secret footage of me taking a dump which will be sold online.  No human being should be as interested as she is in what happens behind the closed bathroom door.   

Anyhoo, because I am American and I was born with the inherent knowledge that everything on Earth comes with a safety net, I calmly called Gateway to ask them to help a sister out.

"Yes, I would be happy to help you reset your password.  But in order to do this your computer will revert back to the factory settings.  All files and pictures will be wiped clean."

It took about three seconds for my brain to translate his thick Indian accent into American.

3... 2... 1...

Cue.  The.  Crazy.

"No. I need another option," I said, with the first twangs of panic starting to drizzle on my head.

"I am sorry - that is the only way."

I became completely frantic.  I explained to him that every picture I've ever taken of my kids is on this laptop.  Every video.  Their first steps.  First meals.  Births.  Birthday parties.  Halloweens.  Christmases.  That picture of me where I look really hot. 

And my book... my God my 400 page book that I've been working on for almost three years. 

I asked to speak with his supervisor.  While on hold I burst into tears.  You know, the ugly tears where you get a headache because you're face is all contorted and you look like a donkey getting ass raped.   

Through tears I begged him... as a Mother, as a human being... my laptop is my life.  Short stories I've written, taxes, my address book.  Everything.  EVERYTHING. 

"Listen, sir - you don't know who you're dealing with here.  I write a blog.  *sniff*  It's called Skidmarks.  You've probably heard of it. 

*crickets*

I have 475 likes on Facebook.  I can destroy your little multi-billion dollar company with the push of a button.  And you'll be fired for sure."

I was frantic.  My chest tightened as I thought of more and more pieces of my life which were apparently lost forever.  Could I take out this hard drive and buy a new laptop?  No.  Could I take it to a computer repair shop?  No.  I hated this man with all my being. 

"Okay, I'm about to throw up and faint and die.  I have to hang up now."

"Yes ma'am.  You can call back when you are ready.  We at Gateway are committed to your satisfaction - have I done everything to exceed your expectations today?"

"Oh my god.  I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to hate you any more than I did 5 seconds ago.  No.  You've been about as useless as a bull with tits.  I hate you.  Die!"  *sob* <click>

I immediately called Nick.

"Hello?"

*gasp sob gasp snort raspy breath*  "Liiiiiiiiiila..." *quick breathing sob snort* "Changed the password on my computer *sob snort fart gasp* and the guy said the only way to reset it is to wipe everything out I'll lose all the pictures I have of the girls and that picture of me where I look really hot!"

Nick did not in any way share my grief and in an infuriatingly calm tone of voice asked me why I hadn't backed up my files on the external hard drive we bought.  This required me to hang up on him and call my friend Carrie. 

"Hello?"

*gasp sob gasp snort raspy breath* "Liiiiiiiiiila..." *quick breathing sob snort* "Changed the password on my computer!  I've lost everything!" 

"First of all.  Next time you're going to need to start that sentence with 'My computer.'  I just ran out the door in my underwear."

"I need you to coooommmmme o" *sob* "vvvvvvv" *raspy breath* "errrrrrrrrrrr!"  *hysterics*

"I'm on my way.  And why haven't you backed that shit up?"

<click>

Another part you have to understand is that this event came right on the heels of me dropping my Blackberry into the toilet at the gym, where I lost all pictures and video from the past four months, including everything from Hadley's birth and Christmas.

Also it had only been a couple of weeks since I started taking my Zoloft and it hadn't had a chance to really kick in yet. 

I was sure Nick was terribly worried about me and halfway home by now so I decided to call him back and tell him Carrie was coming over to lend some moral support. 

Of course he was showing his sympathy in a different way, by ordering another round of drinks and forgetting that I had even called.  However, he did point out that if it was THIS easy to destroy all your files, then every murderer and child molester would just change their password before the FBI confiscated their computer. 

He had a point.  All this talk about murderers and child molesters gave me a glimmer of hope. 

I called my Mother-In-Law, who I remembered had a computer problem a few months ago.  She advised me to call the Geek Squad at Best Buy, and she also put out an APB to the most tech savvy group she knows, her bridge club. 

By the time Carrie arrived I was on my second Jack Daniels and was dialing the Geek Squad.

"Thank you for calling the Geek Squad, how can I help you?"

"Umm, yes.  My daughter reset my password and..." *sniff gasp sob*

"Oh we can reset a password.  It's 30 dollars."

*sniff*  "What?  *sniff* You can?  A Windows... 7 password?" *gulp*

"Yeah.  It happens all the time.  It takes about a half hour."

*chug* "Um, wait.  Okay.  See you in the morning?"

So the rest of my night was spent drinking with Carrie and looking at Faces of Meth. 

A close second to cyberstalking. 

The next day my files were saved from oblivion, and Best Buy even backed up my files onto DVDs for a few dollars extra. 

I guess due to security/legal issues, Gateway can't reset your password for you.  Which, I mean, I sort of understand.  But why can't they refer you to someone who can?  People's lives, their memories, their livelihoods are on their laptops.  They can suck it. 

So really what I guess I'm saying here is that you shouldn't do Meth.  It's a really scary drug that makes you look like you're 90 when you're really 12.         

 

Winterest

A while back I started a new segment called Winterest, where I show you things I try to do that I find on Pinterest. 

Some are good, and some are fails.  Most are fails.   

Since the cyber legality of showing you someone else's picture that I emulated is a little "sketchy", I just decided to show you my finished project... 

...a bow holder for the bathroom.  Now Nick has a place to hold all of his bows.  The pink leopard one is his favorite.  He says it brings out his eyes. 

I bought the frame and ribbon at Wal-Mart, and the stickers from Art Mart.  Ellie and Lila helped by picking out the frame, holding the ribbon for me and putting on the stickers.

Happy weekend!   

I don't care anymore.

As I sit here, collecting my thoughts and trying to put them into some semblance of order about today's topic, I think back and wonder what messed up, cracked out, delusional part of my brain honestly thought potty training two kids at once would be a good idea. 

I mean, I'm sure people do it all the time.  Like people who have twins, or people who find enjoyment in finding new and unique ways to inflict torture upon themselves by sticking lit cigarettes in their eye. 

It all started two weeks ago when I went to get Lila up from her nap.  I walked in to discover that she had removed her own diaper, and, with the images from the last time that happened still fresh in my mind, I raced over to her expecting to find poop smeared everywhere her little hands can reach.  Everywhere.  Yes, there too.  And there.  Yep.  I KNOW I should have put pants on her.  I said I know now back off. 

Anyhoo, I was shocked to find the bed, and her diaper which had been discarded I can only assume maliciously on the floor, dry as a bone.  Seeing an opportunity, I asked her if she would like to go on the princess potty. 

Yes.  For the low low price of one sucker, obviously. 

To my amazement, she went.  I gave her the whole jar of suckers.  And a sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.  And a Camaro. 

To refresh your memory, it will be exactly one year next month since I've been trying to potty train Ellie.  And we've tried everything.  Dora undies.  Elmo potty DVDs.  Potty books.  Princess potty.  M&Ms.  Suckers.  Cookies.  Stickers.  Balloons.  Set the microwave timer for 30 minutes and have her try.  Take the potty into the playroom.  Take the potty outside.  Stand on my head.  Slit my wrists.

She's not interested.  The more I encourage her the more she resists.  So I let up, thinking it will happen when it happens.  It never happens.

During the next two days Lila really started to get the hang of it.  Also, she really likes suckers and will pretty much do anything for a quick sugar high. 

Finally, the allure of attention captured Ellie and she wanted in on the action too.   

For a split second there I had a beautiful vision of a future where I smell normal.  Sure, I'd still have Hadley's diapers to deal with, but if two of the three go away then maybe I have a fighting chance to begin to reintegrate myself into society. 

I saw a future within my grasp of an afternoon where I didn't look over to find one of my two daughters red faced, teary eyed, staring off into space and grunting behind the art table, knowing that soon their problem will become my problem.  Wondering what consistency of hell I will soon come face to face with.  Praying please God, let it be small and well-formed.   

And the money... oh the money.  An economy sized box of size 5 diapers is $30 and wipes are around $15.  We go through two or three a month.

Tears of happiness sprung to my eyes as the three of us cheered in unison "go Ellie go!  go Ellie go!" in our small bathroom as Ellie smiled on the potty.  I envisioned us holding hands, skipping gayly through fields of daisies, stopping every so often at strategically placed port-a-potties to flaunt our newfound fecal independence.

This was actually happening.

For a split second I thought this was actually happening.   

In what I can only describe as a technique of self-preservation, I blacked out for the next two days. 

I only have brief and vague flashes of images of me on all fours, frantically cleaning up someone's puddle of urine on the kitchen floor while someone else is behind me pooping on the couch.  And all the while Hadley is clinging to my boob for dear life with her little gums as I scrub.   

Ellie decided that giving up her own personal poop slave wasn't worth the occasional butterscotch Dum Dum and after one brief stint on the pot went right back to allowing me to do her dirty work.  And, wanting to be just like her older sister, it was only a matter of minutes before Lila decided the princess potty was yesterday's news. 

Frankly, I can't say that I blame them.  If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have been tricked out of the ability to poop in the car by a few lousy M&Ms either.