What I have learned after Hadley was born is that post partum emotional issues can come knocking on your door in all shapes and sizes. Most of us are familiar with postpartum depression (PPD) - some all too familiar. But over the past 12 weeks I have been dealing with another form, called PIWTSASIYUF. Postpartum I Want To Stick A Shank In Your Ugly Face.
Sure, after Ellie and Lila were born I had a little moodiness as my hormones settled back to their resting states. But the past three months I have been a woman on fire. No fuse. No warning. No taking deep breaths while I count down from ten. A race car in the red. Certified TNT.
Me: Excuse me sir, your circular said that Special K was on sale this week.
Stock Boy: Oh, sorry no - that ended yesterd-
Me: *round house to the throat*
One minute I'm fine - playing with the kids, thinking about life and how blessed we are, feeling like the queen of the world. But then it's almost as if I can feel the fine slipping away and the next thing I know I'm switching the Time Out spot to our guest bathroom with the hope that a door will protect the lives of the disobedient.
And it is really an unfortunate time in history to have PIWTSASIYUF. 30 years ago, women who had it would simply think hateful thoughts about friends and family and by the time the hate passed no harm was done.
But now... now you can spread your crazy around for all the world to see with just the click of a button. Which seems like a really awesome idea at the time but then, just about the time your in-laws open their email, you're checking one way flights to Rio and gluing on a fake moustache.
Or you're, oh I don't know... say, calling your sister a religious hypocrite and comparing her and her friends to the anti-Christ on her Facebook page. For instance.
I didn't know what was wrong with me - so many questions ran through my head. Is it the hormones? The stress of having three little kids? Am I just a bitch? Where can I buy a switch blade?
On Friday Nick and I had a belated Valentine's Day date night.
Me: I've got a lot of hate in my heart.
Nick: Yeah I noticed.
Me: One minute I'm fine, then the next I'm cyber bullying my Grandma. I'm scared I'm going to do something I might regret.
Nick: Like accidentally send an email to one of your old co-workers or something?
Me: Like kill you in your sleep.
Luckily I had a doctor appointment this week to double check that this Mirena is in nice and good and nothing is going to slip past the goalie, because I can't even begin to imagine what pregnancy hormones on top of postpartum rage would do. So I decided it would be wise to talk to J.T. my trusty OB about my PIWTSASIYUF.
I sat in the waiting room rehearsing what I was going to say. I didn't want to say anything that might get me locked up or make me seem uncool.
Receptionist: Mrs. Mayer? Can you come to the counter please?
Receptionist: They wanted me to bring this to your attention - you have a balance due of 703 dollars.
Me: But when your billing person called my insurance company before I had this thing put in they told me it would only be a co-pay of 20 dollars.
Receptionist: Hmm, well all I know is what they tell me.
Me: Can you please double check? I mean, I never would have had this done if I knew it was going to be 703 dollars. You're out of your mind if you think I'm paying that. I will take it out right here and give it back to you.
Receptionist: Ummm, well... the service has already been performed. Let me call the billing manager.
BM: If I were you I'd call your insurance company.