Somewhere between 35 and 36

This morning I had my 35 week ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing properly and help determine a date for the c-section. 

I had an inkling this little fella (or whatever the female variation of fella is... fanny?) was on the larger side, mainly due to the sensation of a combine harvester crushing my spinal discs together every time I attempt to walk, get up off the floor or make a desperate and panicked leap into oncoming traffic.

Oh, and there's also this... The Stomach That Stops People Dead in Their Tracks and Elicits Comments Everywhere We Go:


Meet queso. 

Weighing in at 8 pounds, measuring 40 1/2 weeks and femur bones that are off the chart, its interests include:  insulin shots, writing pointed letters to airline management for insisting it buy two seats on a flight to Orlando and licking mayonnaise off the game controller while simultaneously defeating its own World of Warcraft high score.

For the first time since I found out I was pregnant I was thanking God that this baby isn't coming out my business end. 

Of course my relief was quickly replaced by concern for the baby's health, and this afternoon as I washed down my McDonald's #1 with a chocolate milk shake I wondered if there was something I could have done differently to put this baby in a healthier weight class.

After finishing off last night's leftover mashed potatoes I decided probably not, and I shouldn't be stressing myself out with such thoughts.

I saw the nurse practitioner after my appointment, who will share my chart with J.T. and we'll get a date scheduled next week.  All she said, after a sympathetic laugh, was that I'm definitely not making it to my due date.

At this rate I don't even know if I'll make it to tonight.  I think I can feel this thing scratching at my tonsils with its toenails.     


Unknown said...

Bless your heart I have been there with the larger then they should be baby. My youngest was 8 lbs 10 oz and came at 34 weeks..only he came out of my business end..

Holly said...

I have not laughed so hard reading a post, ever! Too funny. I go to the doctor tomorrow and I have a feeling that we're both having sumos.

Veronica said...

My now two month old son came out of the business end at 9lbs. 14oz. My vagina still hates me. Good luck!

Veronica said...

P.S. I should know better than to eat or drink anything while reading your posts. Breakfast for dinner almost came out of my nose.

Hannah said...

Angel/Veronica - holy crap. I can only imagine the terror I would be feeling right now if I knew I had to squeeze this thing out.

Holly - keep me posted on what's happening with you!