The Fourth of JuFly

Please allow me to take a moment to introduce you to the newest pain in my ass.

These here are from the 4:00-4:15pm slaughter.

We have lived in our house for three summers. For three summers we have welcomed swarms of The Flies From Hell into our home for a very confusing two-week period.

These aren't your everyday normal house flies. These flies are large, appear drunk and have big red eyes that peer into the depths your soul. They have no regard for self-preservation and will actually fly right onto the swatter in some sort of masochistic suicide attempt. Yesterday one snuck up behind me, landed on my shoulder and whispered "got any peanut butter?" right before I smashed its ass.

They've gotten so out of control that I just swat them and leave their little carcases heaped in a mass grave by the couch, carting their lifeless bodies to the trash can every 15 minutes.

Or maybe that's just because I'm really lazy. I actually do the same thing with chicken bones.

This year, though, the flies have taken it to the next level. On Friday afternoon I was swatting at a super jumbo one on our office wall. As I went in for the kill I realized it was actually two flies who appeared to be dry humping and, shocked and nauseated and trying to turn my head from the insect atrocity, I accidentally hit our Internet modem knocking out our service until a tech could get out here two days later.

Then on Saturday Nick went down to the basement to read his nudey mags, AKA start some laundry when he noticed a whole mess of them on the wall. His gut reaction was to pour an entire container of bleach on them, sweep them up, and dump them down the sink.

This wouldn't be the first time that Nick's gut reactions have required the assistance of a plumbing professional.

The next day after I actually started the laundry I heard what sounded like someone peeing on the basement floor. Which wouldn't normally be unusual but Nick was at work. Upon inspection I found that the laundry sink had clogged and the basement had flooded.

I texted Nick.

"Did you put something down the basement sink? It's clogged."
"I found a bunch of flies down there."
"Were they from the mouse in the trash can?"
(did I mention that the heater cleaner guy found a mouse in our heater and put him in the trash can three months ago?)
"I don't think so. They were on the opposite wall."
"What else did you put down there? It's really clogged."
"Just some small debris - nothing that should have clogged it. Use the plunger."

Oh fabulous.

If I know what's attractive - and I think I do - it's a 5-months-pregnant woman standing in ankle deep water plunging a bunch of dead flies out of her laundry sink.

As I plunged and cursed and plunged and cursed some more, and pieces of what I can only guess used to be a pizza box floated to the top, the object of my frustration slowly shifted from the flies to my husband.

Who is a lot harder to kill.


Unknown said...

Hmm maybe the flies are coming for the mouse carcass..or there may be standing water somewhere nearby. I would have killed him that is for sure.

Kimberly said...

I like how he tells you "just get a plunger". Really? He made the mess, he can clean it up!

Jessica said...

(@wtfinmontana) hahhaha!! That made me laugh. I hate days like that. in fact today I was online live chatting trying to get my phone working, trying to get my boy ready to go with a friend, trying to change a diaper and trying to get some coffee! It was stressful. I didn't know you were preggo! Congratulations!

Hannah said...

Yes, it crossed my mind when he said he thought the point of origin was in the basement that it could have had something to do with the mouse carcass. But... that had only been in the downstairs trash for three months and the problem is an annual one. But we did take the mouse out for good measure, though.

Rebecca Dot Com said...

seriously i would of been a little mad at my hubby. it sucks that you get those flies though. We have box elder bug season here (which is coming soon) and i absolutely hate those frickin things!!!

Hannah said...

Yeah I was steamed but in his defense I will say that it's not like he was sitting in his barca pointing at my feet with a chicken leg telling me I missed a spot. He was at work on a Sunday... I'm at least 84% sure that had he been home it would have been his ass down there plunging.

Lisa said...

You are so sweet. KNowing that hubby was at work would not have made a difference. heehee.

Hysterical as usual.