In what was without question the worst $25 I have ever spent in my entire life, I participated in a 5K on Saturday with my friend Christina. The past couple of months the weather has been so horrible that I've only been able to run outside a couple of times, spending the majority of my time training on the treadmill.
And by training on the treadmill I mean eating microwave popcorn and watching Dirty Dancing marathons pretending like April 2 will never arrive.
My goal when the starting horn sounded was to finish in 30 minutes.
My goal after I had run the first mile was to finish escaping any permanent or irreparable damage to my internal organs or brain for the lack of oxygen that I was sure it was suffering. That and to not poop my pants.
I would love to meet the vindictive son of a bitch who planned the route because there could not have possibly been more hills. At one point a hill was so steep that I looked up and saw my feet. I realized just how out of shape I was when I was passed by a 74-year-old man pushing a stroller.
Miraculously, I finished in around 34 minutes.
Mind you this was long after I waved Christina ahead and told her to save herself, which she gladly did without even so much as a glance backward to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack.
I saw Nick and the girls cheering me on about 200 yards before the finish line, and I decided I had enough and started crawling through the grassy median to get to them in the parking lot. As soon as everyone saw I decided to call it quits they all (including every complete stranger within eyeshot) started yelling and cheering me on to cross the finish line. I was now the poster child for quitters and all of the Parents as Teachers volunteers there suddenly became extremely passionate about me crossing the finish line.
Publicly shamed and now the center of attention, I crawled back out of the median and hobbled across the finish line, certain when I checked my underwear later I would find my L4 vertebrae.
To ensure I didn't end the day with a negative calorie count, we all went out for pancakes immediately afterward. While waiting for said pancakes I had a huge migraine, went completely blind, then disoriented and confused and finally laid down on the table in the middle of the restaurant with Nick holding my feet above my head because I started to pass out while holding the baby.