You can go ahead and take your pick of which one of those reasons was the worst; I have spent the past 17 years sprinting away from all of the above.
But for whatever reason the past week has brought an explosion of high-school-like events all around me.
First, and incidentally the best thing that has ever happened to me, is that my almost 32-year-old sister Beth was told by two dentists and an orthodontist that she has to get braces or her teeth will fall out.
And we're not talking Invisiline - we're talking full metal jacket. For 26 months. With lots and lots of rubber bands and, if there is a God and he wants to reward me for anything I've ever done right in my life, hilacious headgear.
Her getting braces is living proof that karma is a bitch. My little bitch that fetches my slippers and mixes me a martini every morning before it rubs my back.
Sitting here reminiscing about all the teasing she put me through... it makes me giddy when I imagine her trying to bite into a sandwich after that heavy metal has been strapped to her face.
Now if only I can talk her into a haircut that looks like she's wearing a penis on her head we might be getting close to even.
Secondly, and not quite as enjoyable but a close second, is that Nick has to re-take his driving test. Both the written and the actual driving. Apparently the punishment for allowing your license to expire is hopping in a vehicle with Attila the Hun to prove that you're not completely incompetent behind the wheel.
Which, if you've ever ridden in a motor vehicle operated by Nick, is going to be a big challenge. I know you're never supposed to bet against your loved ones but I have five on me assuming the role of chauffeur for at least a month.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to my babysitting gig and prank calling the neighbors.