Believe it or not Kate used to be a real fatty after she had her son.
I was having some big trouble getting over the hump and decided it was time for some professional help. Losing weight at 34 is a hell of a lot harder than it was at 22.
I asked around and the word on the street was that Kate is the best of the best. And looking at my naked body I knew I needed someone who means business. Or a bull dozer.
The first thing we did is sit down so she could learn a little more about why I was there. I mean, other than the obvious - that my belly button is down to my ankles and my thighs look like I just got pelted with a bunch of paintballs.
Kate: So what are you hoping to accomplish?
Me: Well, see this here? *grabs two handfuls of skin on stomach* I'd prefer my stomach not to look like it's melting.
Kate: *writes something down* No problem. Okay, let's talk about nutrition. How would you say your diet is?
Me: Compared to what?
Kate: Well, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Me: (thinking) lie lie lie, make something up. Don't tell her you had a bowl of pancake batter.
A bowl of pancake batter.
Kate: Just pancake batter?
Me: Well no, silly, there was butter and syrup in there too. Oh and I had a Slim Fast shake.
Kate: Hmmmm. *writes something down* Okay, now let's get some measurements.
She handed me a device that looked like an XBox controller and told me to hold it so it could read my body fat.
It said 32.5.
Me: Is that good or bad?
Kate: Well, let's see where you fall on the chart.
There were six categories on the chart: Excellent, very good, average, poor, very poor, and dude what the fuck.
You can guess which category I fell into.
Me: Well, I'm almost in the very poor section.
Kate: (moving her finger down) yeah, if you were a 54-year-old woman. Don't worry - you'll soon be a lean, mean fighting machine.
So the work out ensued and I have to say it was the fastest hour I've ever worked out in my life. Usually when I'm on the treadmill I am literally counting the seconds until my four minutes is up. But Kate and I talked and laughed and, dare I say it, I even had fun.
Even though I do recall telling her that I hated her evil soul from hell and I hope she dies a horrible death on the way home when I was doing some plank hand slap thing. I can't help it - I get angry sometimes when I work out.
I'm totally going to give her some props here - if you're interested in hooking it up with Kate you can check out her website or shoot her an email. Her site also has some recipes that I may get the courage to try someday. I didn't see anything about pancake batter which makes me a little skeptical, though.
The first session is free, and you can do group sessions or hit up her boot camp class on Saturdays.
I had some good workouts last week, both with Kate and on the treadmill getting ready for my 5K this Saturday. So I'm down a total of 5 1/2 pounds.
5 1/2 down, 13 to go.
Oh, and I'm switching the scale of truth to once a month instead of once a week. So don't give me any flack when you don't see it there next Monday.
I know how you people are.