Ellie: I see tits.
Me (praying): Are you there, God? It's me, Hannah. I swear on everything that is holy that I will give 20 dollars to the next homeless person I see if you just make this go away.
God: Bitch, please. You are so full of shit. Like the time you "promised" you would go to college to teach little blind kids if I just got you one 12-pack of beer for your prom.
Me: Uh...
God: Or the time you told me you would bring flowers to the old women in the nursing home every Sunday for a year if that cop didn't take you to jail for peeing behind a dumpster.
Me: Well...
God: In fact, now that I think about it... I owe you some payback. It's about to get ugly up in this motherfucker.
Me: No, please -
Ellie (turning around and pointing at the large woman behind us in line): I see tits. Big tits!
Me: Uh gosh... I have no idea what she's talking about but I'm sure she doesn't mean...
Ellie: Big TITS! TITS TITS TITS TITS!
Woman: *crosses arms*
Everyone in northern hemisphere: *gathers round and judges*
Me: *digs in purse for keys while wondering if I have a large enough line of credit to catch the next flight to Fiji and hopes man behind counter makes sure my girls brush their teeth each night before bed*
Ellie: TIIIIIITS! Tits. TWEET! TWEET!
Me (noticing big Easter picture of some chicks on the wall): OH... CHICKS! *jumps on conveyor belt and cups hands around mouth* HEY EVERYONE! She means CHICKS! Oh no... lady please get off your phone and stop crying! She meant CHICKS! CHIIIIIIICKS!
Cashier: Would you like your receipt with you or in the bag?
Me: With me. I'll be using the bag to cover my head.
2 comments:
Dying laughing! My son did that once - yelling out "Big Cock!!" in the checkout line...yeah, apparently he spied a big CLOCK on the wall...
Big tits! That is SO funny.
The BIg Cock. That's hysterical too.
My son couldn't say "r" so he'd say "Mommy's Puss" or "Mom's big puss" or "mommy's pwetty puss"
But of could he could say "sh" sound but he confused "sit" and "shit a few times." And could often be found in Target saying "shit down!" To other kids who were walking around. OY.
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