Big League Chew

With the exception of my current dentist (who also happens to be my sister-in-law) I have had very bad luck in my selection of dentists.

When I first moved to the city I chose a dentist based on his close proximity to my work because I thought I could slip and out for a quickie cleaning over my lunch hour. Little did I know that he also had the intention of slipping something in and out.

The entire cleaning he kept lifting up my bib and complimenting my shirt. Now, everyone knows I have a nice rack, but come on! Let's be a little more subtle. And stop rubbing that suction hose all over my lips then jamming it in my mouth.

The second dentist I chose because after my appointment with Dr. Creepy Rape my company changed insurance providers and he was the only one in the entire metro area who accepted our shitty plan. I stepped in and everything seemed normal as the tech performed the x-rays. But then the doctor came over, sat down and said "well... yo teef juss ain't happa".

Oh no you didn't just speak jive about my teeth.

Then I was escorted into a locked room a for over an hour while a guy who smelled like baby powder and had gold teeth pressured me to spend eight thousand dollars on some procedure where they stuck a straw in my gums.

I actually had to sign three releases when I told him I just wanted to leave.

All of this is unfortunate because when it comes to teeth genetics are not on my side. Well, genetics and something that I like to call the Big League Chew. The Big League Chew is a little snack where I quarter a Ding Dong and stuff it in the little pocket in between my gum and my cheek. Then I take a big swig of Cherry Coke and work it under the Ding Dong. I just like to let it sit there and try to let my body naturally absorb the chocolate cherry fizzy goodness while I paint my toenails.

The Big League Chew comes with a hefty price - I had three cavities to fill this morning. But my sister-in-law happens to be the very best dentist in the entire city and not once has she ever tried to cop a feel. Though every once in a while I think I catch a satisfactory gleam in her eye as she drills on the teeth of the girl who makes out with her brother.

Apparently one of the cavities was deep enough to see all the way to my brain because she really had to numb me up good. By the time I left to pick up Ellie from pre-school I couldn't feel anything from the roots of my hair to my left ass cheek.

My big concern, though, was not so much the numbness in my mouth but getting to Ellie's pre-school on time because I'm still trying to redeem myself from the time two weeks ago when I got lost and I was 25 minutes late picking her up.

I've never lost at anything and I sure as shit am not going to lose at Mom. I may have gotten off to a rocky start by being 25 minutes late on her second day but I WILL be crowned Lord and Master Best Pre-School Mom Ever in the history of the world.

Teacher: Ellie did great today!

Me: Scooby tube blubber.

Teacher: Ummm, here's her coat.

Me: Bobba cab hubba doobie.

Teacher: See you tomorrow!

Me (shaking head): No! Goober boobie! GOOBER... BOOBIE!

Teacher: Ok, bye bye!

Me: Boobie?

I may have to bribe the Pre-School Lord and Master judges.


Tara K. said...

I have learned not to drink anything while I am reading your blog. Otherwise it will end up spewing out of my nose and onto the computer screen. You are the most hilarious person I know. I look forward to the daily dose of skidmarks.

Lisa said...

SO years ago, a friend recruited me to write captions for a website she created. She took pics of men off of Craig's list trolling for sex. We'd caption the photos. It was HYSTERICAL. Although I stopped after a few months because dude, I was getting really tired of looking at hard on's and beer guts. But this first pic? I could have SWORN this was one of the pics.


Anonymous said...

Love the name and all it encompasses. I look forward to more of your thought provoking fodder.

Just plain Hutch
Grief Counselors for Dying Brands

michelle said...

Laughed so hard about Big League Chew that I almost dropped my baby.

MeganB said...

Oh my I have GOT to stop reading your blog when I am at work, or trying to put my children to bed. The outbursts of laughter and the tears running down my face do not exactly give me that "I'm serious" look.

Amy Trapp said...

Agree with Tara K -- is their an emoticon for coffee spraying out of one's nose?