On Friday night Nick and I joined our good friends Jeff and Dan to see JC Brooks perform downtown. It had been a while since we had been out so we decided to make the most of it and grab some dinner beforehand.

Of course we ordered the shrimp and cheese dip appetizer and in what may have been the most disappointing moment of my life our dinner came after I only had one bite of the succulent cheese and our table wasn't big enough for both but our waiter wrapped it up so that we could make sweet sweet love to it later.

The band was awesome and everything was rosy until we walked out and found our car was gone. As in disappeared. It was then that I noticed for the first time a sign where we had parked telling us that if we parked there we would be promptly raped in the ass.

I was mildly annoyed until I remembered something horrible... something awful...

Holy christ the cheese dip is still in the back.

I flipped into panic mode. We HAD to get the car back tonight!! The shrimp and cheese dip will never survive a night alone in the wild. I pleaded with the man on the phone to let us pick up the car STAT and explained that I had only gotten to take one bite of the shrimp and cheese dip and how would HE like to only have one bite of shrimp and cheese dip before it's stolen from you but it was useless.

We would just have to wait it out until the morning.

At this point in the night Nick and I had very different concerns. He has seen one too many Jason Bourne movies and he was up half the night developing a plan of driving through any barrier and getting the car back for free. Our conversations went something like this:

Me: Do you think the shrimp and cheese dip will be ok?

Nick: (looking up from his paper filled with calculations) So if I can get a running start I could probably break through a medium-sized pad lock and chain.

Me: But you'll be careful not to hurt the shrimp and cheese dip, right?

Nick: Of course if they have spikes I'm going to have to find a back way out.

Me: Maybe I could go in with you and put the girls on the floor board and strap the shrimp and cheese dip in their car seats to make sure it's safe.

All night I dreamed of the shrimp and cheese dip and how scared it must be. Finally the impound lot opened and we drove to the bank and drained the kids' college funds to get the cash for bail.

"Please God, let the shrimp and cheese dip be ok," I prayed.

We pulled into the lot and we were immediately greeted by the cast of Winter's Bone.

Right about here is where Nick is changing his mind about his plan.

We got home and I carefully placed the shrimp and cheese dip on the counter for a close inspection.


Let me just slip off this bra...

Whoops my pants just fell off...

Nom nom nom

Oh that's good. *lights cigarette*

After the cheese dip and I had an adequate amount of time to cuddle, it was time to start getting ready for Nick's work black tie fancy party at a local casino.

We accidentally arrived at the party over an hour early so we decided to grease the skids and head upstairs to the lounge and down a few bottles of wine. Once we were warmed up we went downstairs where I made the best decision of the night and switched to double whiskey and Coke.

I was excited to get to our table because one of my favorite things in the world is putting on an hour-long Hannah Show to a captive audience. Weddings, charity events... no one can escape. But Nick's boss and other partners didn't think it was nearly as hilarious as I did when I demonstrated how I could eat a lobster with my hands behind my back and I was beginning to get pissed that my creative genuis was lost on these losers. But then... out of no where... the clouds parted and a fabulously gay man slid down a rainbow and landed in the seat next to me.

Gay men are God's gift to straight women and I was super excited that this party was about to get fun. After a few minutes he mentioned something about his wife and kids and I got giddy because I thought we had a tranny situation on our hands which would have made this the BEST WORK PARTY EVER but then he showed me a picture and this woman was definitely born with a vagina.

Not one to ever back down from a challenge, I decided I would make him my little project and by the end of the night we would celebrate his homosexuality and we would become besties and I would call him on random Wednesday mornings and convince him to cancel all of his patients and he would come over and make me the perfect martini and not judge me for drinking before lunch and then we would go up to my room where he would sit cross legged on my bed and I would try on all of my outfits and he would give each one a rating on a scale from 1-10 based on how it makes my butt look and we would laugh until our heads exploded about the time he thought he was straight.

But that didn't end up happening.

What ended up happening is that we did a mess of vodka shots and then he told me that his doctor found that his testosterone was low (yeah no shit) and so he was taking supplements which made him a dynamo in the sack. Then he put his hand on my knee.

NO! Besties don't hit on each other! You're ruining EVERYTHING!!! I cried as I ran out of the room. With my plans shot to hell I found Nick and told him it was time to blow this popcorn stand and hit the poker table.

Bouncer: I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't let you into the casino. You're visibly drunk.

Me: Yeah, no shit I'm drunk, numb nuts. I just drank about five gallons of whiskey and I've been doing vodka shots for the last hour and a half which isn't sitting too well with this rancid dip and lobster festering in my belly. Don't mess with me because I'm still pretty pissed off about the big gay tease that I had to deal with upstairs so please step aside so I can win some money to make up for the 400 bucks we had to pay this morning to get our car out of impound.

Had I known that being visibly drunk can deny you access into a casino I definitely wouldn't have been peeing in the potted plant in the corner so we had to regain our composure and find another way in. I spotted an old lady bouncer and did my best pretend sober and we were in.

However, after two seconds of trying to walk in a straight line I fell into some dude playing blackjack so we decided it best to leave.

Of course we left through the exit with the bouncer who denied me my basic human right to gamble. As we passed him I said "thanks for the 400 bucks I just won, you douchebag!" and sprinted outside and hid behind the valet stand until we got our car.

The end.


Unknown said...

I too was denied entrance to Lumiere once for being "too drunk", I thought it would make losing money easier, I failed to see the problem

CarrieS. said...

Shamefully I've been denied entry... A few times. But I have found the best excuse. Goes like this. Ma'am You are too intoxicated to enter the casino. Me: no I'm not. I've only had 2 drinks. Security: ma'am I saw you stumbling as you were walking this way. Me: well sir, you try wearing 4 inch heels for 6 hours and see how you get around. See. Showing fabulous leopard print heels.

I don't know how they buy this shit, but telling them I'm stumbling because my feet hurt works every time. Especially if it's a female or there is a female security near by. Try it next time. Just make sure your actually wearing heels! I did that once too.