Thank you sir may I have another

Right now all I want to do is hang myself from a tree limb by my ankles, take my shirt off and let midgets take turns flogging me with baseball bats like a human pinata.

Why, you ask?

Because I am the worst mother ever. The worst mother who has ever walked the Earth. I want to hide under a rock. Oh God I suck so bad.

Today was Ellie's second day of pre-school. I decided to schedule Lila's 4-month check-up while Ellie was in school because to be honest I would rather be locked in a closet with a starving lion while wearing t-bone ear muffs than sit in a doctor's waiting room with her.

We arrived at the appointment 1/2 hour early because I wanted to make sure to have plenty of time to pick Ellie up from pre-school. Again, just to drive the point home... it was her SECOND day.

Fast forward an hour and a half to the doctor just walking in the room. I tell him I only have 10 minutes because I have to pick Ellie up from her SECOND day of pre-school.

Ok, no problem.

20 minutes later I'm in my car en route. I decided to take a shortcut because I'm supposed to be picking her up in 10 minutes.

You can see where this is going.

I went THE WRONG WAY on the shortcut road.

Which I realized 20 mintues later.

I got so turned around, mixed up and confused that I just decided to drive to my house and start over. 25 minutes after I was supposed to pick her up I'm finally pulling up to the front door where my poor little baby was standing there holding the teacher's hand.

All alone.

The last one to be picked up.

By 25 minutes.

On her SECOND day.

I am skipping the part of the story about how I literally had a nervous breakdown in my car. Screaming at other drivers to get out of my way, sobbing hysterically, clenching the steering wheel so tight that my fingers are still crooked and cramped. Of course every light was red. At one point I just considered grabbing Lila out of the back seat and ditching the car becuase I was sure I could run there faster than my car could drive.

Oh yeah, and frantic calls to the school every five minutes to try to convince them that I really don't suck.

But I do.

If anyone has any ideas for a "sorry I suck and had to make you wait 25 minutes with my kid" apology gift to the teacher, I'm open.

Assuming I'm down from the tree limb in time for next week's class.


beth said...

Maybe Ellie will "think" about the next fit she can always say..Honey I could of not showec up-I bet she'll be good!

Emily said...

I find most kindegarten teachers would appreciate a hip flask.

Emily said...

Pre-schools teachers as well. Whoops.

Hannah said...

Oooh, good idea. I didn't think of alcohol but that's perfect. I'm sure my parenting skills will no longer be in question when I show up with a hip flask and a handle of vodka.

Megan said...

You are human!!! Must I start with all the horrible things I have done? Should I start with how I lost Dani when she was 2 at a highschool, or the time where I went in a restaurant and forgot Carter in the car, or maybe how I left Dani on the alzheimer's floor at a nursing home. You are doing a great job!!! If it makes you feel better, get them a starbucks card and call it even.

Hannah said...

Yeah, I know stuff like this happens but did it have to happen while we're still trying to make a good impression? I looked at a map of STL after I got home and there really was a direct route from the doctor's. I wish there wasn't.

Sandra said...

You don't suck and you aren't the first person to be late to pick up your kid.
However, I'm sure a nice gift certificate to the teacher's favourite restaurant would be a good start to sucking up!

Unknown said...


This is what qualifies as bad parenting...

Hannah said...

Holy hell. Ok. So don't you think, that if your baby's digits were being gnawed off by a ferret that the cries would be loud and horrible enough that you would run in there before the ferret had a chance to take off seven of them?