The Ritual

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Lila passed the twelve week mark on Saturday and I finally feel like the Mayer household is settling into some semblance of order. This is important to me because I am a creature of habit and I've heard that it's crucial to get kids on a strict routine to give them a sense of stability so a schedule has been my top priority for the past few weeks.

I think we've finally found something that works.

8:00am - Realize that the past hour of screaming in my nightmare was actually real and get out of bed regretting the bottle of wine I drank last night. Vow never to do it again.
8:05am - Open bottle of wine
8:30am - Feed baby, praying wine which seeped into breast milk will only do minimal mental damage
9:00am - Weigh self at gym, cry
9:05am - Run on treadmill long enough to mentally formulate a plan to develop an eating disorder to get down to pre-baby weight
9:10am - Grab defibrillator machine off wall and use on self
12:00pm - Take temporary hiatus from starving self to eat leftover chicken strips off Ellie's high chair tray. And by leftover strips on tray I mean grab strip out of her hand and quickly stuff into mouth.
12:15pm - Fix Lean Cuisine
12:16pm - Finish Lean Cuisine
12:17pm - Fix second Lean Cuisine
12:18pm - Finish second Lean Cuisine
12:19pm - Call Lean Cuisine headquarters to complain about how calling such a scant amount of food a meal might lead to a 34-year-old woman driving down to the 7-11 with a hand gun, two kids in the backseat and sketchy plan for escape
12:25pm - Decide to delay plan for starvation until tomorrow and drive to Taco Bell for real lunch
12:30pm - Drink Diet Coke to cancel out Taco Bell Grande Burrito
1:00pm - Think about cleaning
1:05pm - Decide against cleaning and watch Ellen
2:00pm - Rifle through refrigerator looking for scraps
2:03pm - Eat jar of peanut butter and six slices of cheese
2:05pm - Press nose against window in remote chance Nick will be home early
3:30pm - Remove nose from window in disappointment
3:31pm - Throw toy into playroom at children, tell them they're boring
3:45pm - Drive to Target to buy something to make myself feel better about my life
3:46pm - Pull through Wendy's drive through for shopping snack
3:47pm - Finish fries before pulling away from window
3:48pm - Pull through Wendy's drive through and tell them they forgot fries on previous order
5:00pm - Think about fixing dinner
5:01pm - Decide against fixing dinner and watch Say Yes to the Dress
6:01pm - Call Nick and tell him to bring home some dinner
6:30pm - Hear garage door open and throw kids at Nick. Complain about how hard my day was while opening second bottle of wine.

4 comments:

MommyLovesStilettos said...

HAHAHA! This is too funny! I am so glad I found your blog. :) You are hilarious!

Hannah said...

Thanks! Don't be scared to tell your friends about how wonderful I am.

michelle said...

I LOVE you.

Hannah said...

Right back at ya!