We were just finishing packing up the cooler when Ellie threw the Mother Tantrum - face down, screaming, kicking, telling me to go screw myself in backwards Latin - this time because the baby gate wouldn't shut just the way she liked. Without a word Nick and I decided to abandon ship and put her to bed and plans changed to wine and a fire in the fire pit on the patio.
Could be worse. A nice red... don't mind if I do. It had been a long and torturous day o'tantrums and one glass tasted so good that I had four.
Once we got inside I pumped and though my breast milk smelled like Mexico I decided to test it just to be sure. Basically anything that results in an off white or tan color means you need to discard it.
Anything that results in brown or black means you are going to be hating life more than anyone has ever hated life when that baby starts to cry at 2:30am and you will call in every favor to whatever god you pray to begging that if he just takes the pain away and please oh dear lord make the baby stop crying you'll never ever ever ever drink again.
Anyhoo, before the hurting set in that night I was feeling pretty proud of myself for putting my party pants back on so quickly and I wanted to share the proof that I still had it with Nick.
Me coming out of the bathroom waving the test strip: Check it out! How awesome is this?
The color immediately drained from his face and he looked like someone kicked him in the stomach.
Me: What? Oh, did you think this was a pregnancy test?
Nick, still silent, looks like he may vomit.
Me: It's just a breast milk alcohol test strip! How could you have even thought that? There's no POSSIBLE WAY I could be pregnant!
Nick: (mad but breathing for the first time in 30 seconds) WELL YOU JUST CAN'T BE COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM WAVING TEST STRIPS AROUND! YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK!
Me pulling the trump card: Are you calling me fat?