Jackass

Have you ever had that dream where you spend what seems like days trying to get somewhere but there's an invisible force that keeps getting in your way? You spend the whole dream trying to get to where you need to be but after determined and relentless effort you look around and realize you're right back where you started.

Yesterday that dream was my real life nightmare.

The one thing I had to do was go to the mall to buy one of my Fancy Friends a new baby gift. The ONE thing. One little thing.

However, the moment we woke up our home became a non-stop stream of eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping and I was tethered to the house.

I would just like to take a moment and point out that none of the eating and sleeping was mine.

As soon as I would get one up from a nap the other would immediately fall into some sort of narcoleptic coma and the cycle would start all over again, usually ending with me Googling the maximum prison sentence for leaving your kids home alone while you just quickly run to the mall to buy a baby gift.

Finally at 4:00(PM!) I took control of the situation and woke Lila up from her nap and quickly fed her and forced everyone out the door. We made it to the mall but the quick feed came back to bite me in the ass because on the way home it sounded like someone had set off a smoke alarm in her carseat.

Nothing is more awesome than a 20 minute drive with a smoke alarm screaming in your ear telling you what a huge failure as a mother you are. At one point I considered pulling over on the highway, getting out, just cutting my losses and walking away.

The one thing that kept me in the driver's seat was that it was date night and if ever a date night were necessary it was last night. Nick was working all weekend which meant I was working all weekend and we both needed to go have a drink and watch Jackass.

Yes, I know - our life is filled with disgusting bodily fluids spraying everywhere and the first chance we get to escape it we go see a 3-D movie about bodily fluids spraying everywhere.

Speaking of bodily fluids, Lila hadn't pooped in two days and I was hoping that her number would come up while my in-laws were babysitting so I could dodge the bullet that would be her 48-hours of stopped up poop wrath.

When I got a text message from my mother-in-law in the middle of the movie asking where I kept my t-shirts I was hopeful that the demon had been exorcised but unfortunately it was only vomit. The demon actually came at 3:46 this morning with hurricane strength force. It was the stuff that legends are made of.

We made a unanimous decision last night not to clean it up and are living in a tent in the backyard until the house sells.