Note to Self


Dear Self,

If you are reading this then you have made the exciting decision to have another baby. Let me be the first to congratulate you on this thrilling and permanently life changing journey.

It sounds like you are finally to the point where you are able to de-latch the baby from your boob and actually go to the bathroom and maybe even step outside and breathe fresh air. The newborn days are a distant memory and perhaps nature has even found a way to erase them altogether.

However, before you go and do anything crazy please allow this letter to serve as a friendly reminder. Actually, mere words won't do this justice. I've taken the liberty of outlining below few warm up exercises I'd like to ask you to perform before you get knocked up again to give your memory a little jog:

1. Tie a 10 pound bowling ball around your waist and run around the block. No, you won't have any time to do anything leisurely for yourself like exercise while pregnant but you will be forced to run through the Target parking lot as one of your children tries to make a run for freedom. And the Dierberg's parking lot. And the botanical garden parking lot. And the church parking lot. And the mall parking lot.

2. Scrub your nipples with a Brillo pad. Then put a fish hook through them. Then get a butcher knife and cut them off completely. Then find a crocodile and stick your bloody stump of a boob in its mouth until it snaps down. What you're feeling is almost as bad as what you'll be feeling 10 - 12 times a day. Forever.

3. Take every purse you own out of your closet and ask Nick to hide a pacifier in one of the pockets. Then take them all out to dinner with you and just after you order ask Nick to scream at the top of his lungs until you find the hidden pacifier. Then after you put it in his mouth ask him to shit through his pants and up his back. Then ask him to throw up all over the table and your new shirt. Then ask the waitress to just please box up your dinner before it gets to the table. Then dodge the spoons as the other restaurant customers throw them at you as you slink out.

4. Ask Nick to blow an air horn in your ear every morning at 2:30am. Then find the crocodile and clamp him down on your still bloody nipple-less boob for about 30 minutes while you watch infomercials. Then have the crocodile pee all over the bed spread. And your pajamas. And the crocodile's pajamas. And then the floor. Then just as you start to fall back asleep blow the air horn again. Repeat.

5. Sit in the playroom and stare at the wall for eight hours. You may occasionally look out the window in between diaper changes and wonder what happened to your life.

Now hopefully I didn't discourage you from bringing another miracle into the world. I just want you to be fully prepared for the wrath that will be unleashed in 9 months. Because this can't be undone and there's no turning back.




Melody said...

Hahah! This is going on permanent file as you could have also called it a warning for Melody!

CarrieS. said...

I just want to know one thing. Where the hell am I supposed to find a crocodile? If you can answer that, then I need you to tell me where to find him pajamas.

laura said...

you are so freckin hysterical!

Kimberly said...

Remind me to never read your blog at work again, I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face!

Mrs. S. said...

I just found your blog and I had a baby a little over a month ago. I have been laughing my ass off for about an hour reading your blog. This particular post had me almost peeing myself. Too funny!