Nick's details about mopping the uterus


This week on Saturday, Hannah was finally given permission from a kind God to expel the awkward mass of baby from her body, thus ending the battle for control of her gait and urinary continence. She is one step closer to fulfilling her purpose on earth, as I have gathered since meeting Hannah. The slow trickle of interest I received from other women was destroyed quickly once I met Hannah and became her Bitch and property. Once completely castrated, I was able to study the social and family interactions of free ranging women in the wild without being noticed.

Hannah had one moment of clarity this morning, between doses of percocet, when she asked me to tell others of her story. Before I was able to say that I was not interested, she screamed at me to stop talking as the infant ground her nipple with its molar. I know she wanted me to re-tell the labor and delivery play-by-play. I know this because I have been in situations before where I had to sit with her purse in my lap, watching her and her friends talk.

With this methodology of study I have observed women in the wild use a script that they steadily, but efficiently work through. I surmise that the purpose of the script is to talk about babies. In addition, the script is capable of re-orienting those without babies, as well as bluntly determining how close to having babies one might be.

In a precise and humiliating way, women in the wild move down this script like drones in the following way:

Girl Number one: Hello. Whatʼs your name?
Girl Number two: My name is ____.
Girl Number one: Are you dating somebody?

At this point, if girl number two replies that she is not dating anybody, then there is no more conversation; the girl asking the questions has lost interest and the girl answering questions leaves with an injured ego having been reminded she is nowhere close to the objective. However, if she replies that she is dating somebody, then the two move to the next question:

Girl Number one: When are you getting married?

The first time I heard this question asked, I was standing behind Hannah at a grocery store checkout line. I still donʼt know why the checkout girl asked Hannah if she had a serious boyfriend. At first, the question appeared invasive and uncalled for. Why not just bag the damn groceries and comment on the weather.

Upon further reflection, it seemed pointless in that there is absolutely nothing a traditional girl can do to control a wedding date except manipulate. But then I realized that if Hannah was able to place my balls in her purse by our third date, she is probably capable of marriage manipulation. I was 2 years in when Hannah began to give me the silent treatment every time I didnʼt propose, and it hit me: these questions are designed to remind the slackers to keep their eye on the ball.

Assuming there is a wedding date, however, the script continues without pause to the fourth question.

Girl number one: When are you going to have a baby?

The only woman who ever realized her true potential in life was the old woman who lived in a shoe. She was successful because she had so many children, her uterus fell out. And when it does fall out, the women want to hear every detail about how it hit the floor.


Angie DuClos said...

I like this ending better than "she had so many children she didn't know what to do". She obviously DID know what she was doing but was too careless to keep the aspirin between her knees.
I often wondered how many children equates to "so many". After a weekend at home with my 2 kids..I feel like an old lady in a shoe. Was the shoe given to her by the housing authority?