WARNING: A LOT OF BOOBY TALK BELOW. NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY - SWIM AT YOUR OWN RISK:
So I think I'm going to abandon ship on the breastfeeding. I know, I know - it was going so well. That is until last week when I started experiencing toe curling, feet sweating, head spinning, profanity spewing pain every time Lila latched on to my left boob.
It continued to get worse and worse and it got to the point that when she even breathed on it I inadvertently clawed the skin off the back of her head which resulted in her quick retaliation of springing at me and attempting to suck my nipple completely off. When I took a closer inspection (it's really hard to look at your own nipples, by the way) I found a large, gaping, awful looking crack and if you stare at it hard enough you can actually see my rib cage.
I called the lactation consultant who advised me to only feed her on the right side and just pump the left side. Which is awesome because the feedings weren't already taking long enough and I had a lot of extra time on my hands and the guilt of putting Ellie off every time I breastfed Lila wasn't yet quite ALL-consuming, so why not throw a few pumpings into my daily schedule? Awesome.
So I dusted off Ole Pumpy, stuck Ellie in the playpen and turned on Pretty Woman (for obvious reasons). After 20 minutes I looked at the bottle and was like WTF? Where's all the milk? There was only a measly ounce there which explains why Lila has been so fussy the past few days. She was trying to tell me that my milk skills sucked and to start doing my job as a Mom and feed her.
And thus my new feeding routine was born:
1. Pump left boob
2. Wave at Ellie
3. Feed Lila on right boob
4. Tearfully apologize to Ellie for being such a loser
5. Feed Lila bottle of milk from right boob
6. Ignore unbridled guilt resulting from ignoring Ellie
7. Feed Lila supplemental formula bottle
8. Kill self
9. Repeat every 2-3 hours
As you can see it's really efficient and a delightful way to spend the day.
The only thread that keeps me hanging on is the 800 or so calories breastfeeding burns every day. That's a whole lotta pancakes. And pancakes are the only thing that I've got going for me right now.