A few years back I had a very deep philosophical conversation with myself on the way to work about the fundamental differences between a deer and a human. I don't remember the exact details but by the time I reached the parking lot I decided that it was wrong to kill animals and so began my crusade as a vegetarian.
It was a short-lived crusade. As it turns out I'm extremely lazy and it takes a significant amount of effort to avoid meat.
Also, I really, really like cheeseburgers.
Though I now eat meat, especially meat in nugget form, I still really hate the idea of killing or hurting animals.
That is, unless said animal is burrowing tunnels through my yard, pushing up all of the grass that I worked my ass off to plant in the searing heat, watering and nurturing with more love and tenderness than I give my own daughter.
Then the animal can die a slow and horrible death.
While the rest of my family shoots and field dresses woodland creatures in between coffee and flossing as part of their morning routine, I have no prior experience with killing anything larger than a spider so my first step was to get some advice from the experts.
Top three methods of mole removal, Ozark-style:
-Pump gasoline into their burrow
-Buy a hound dog
-Stand over the burrow with a shot gun, wait until the dirt moves and pull the trigger
While all of these options sounded really safe and legal, I turned to the Internet for something a little more conservative. I decided that our best option would be to stick a hose into the dirt, wait until they stick their noses up and then bash them over the head with a shovel.
Sort of like that carnival game but with actual brains to clean up afterward.
Saturday was go time. My enormous belly and I bent over one end of the burrow with the hose while Nick waited on the other side with the shovel hoisted high over his head, waiting for whiskers to emerge.
And so we waited. And waited. And waited. Did I mention it was 125 degrees?
The moles probably welcomed the water and were busy underground writing little thank-you notes for the refreshment break from all the tunneling they had been doing.
After over an hour of sticking the hose in every hole we could find, we gave up and decided to go another route.
My license to carry should be valid by Tuesday.