The Heat is On

I had Ellie on May 6, which, in my humble opinion, is the optimal day for giving birth because it was only hot for one day during the entire pregnancy. Unfortunately said hot day happened to be May 4, and also the day that Nick and I decided to walk around the zoo for hours to try to induce labor.

I like to refer to this day as "The Day My Soul Melted." As we walked through the scorching heat I prayed for my water to break because I thought it might bring some momentary relief. At one point I distracted Nick by telling him that there was a polar bear behind him so that I could jump into the penguin tank.

When we finally made it back to the car he had to strap me to the top because I had turned into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and my limbs were so swollen that my knees and elbows wouldn't bend and I could no longer fit in the front seat.

That one worst day of my pregnancy with Ellie is what I have dealt with every day for the past two weeks, and what I have to look forward to for the next 104 days. I've been spending a fair amount of time comparing shipping costs on guillotines.

Thank God that we live within walking distance to a pool, but this presents another, ahem, more sensitive pregnancy issue. The issue of, shall we say, personal swumsuit maintenance?

With Ellie I was never in a swimsuit, or even shorts for that matter, so shaving was never an issue. I did take a stab at it once a few days before her birth, so as not to scare the nurses. I just waved the razor around, sort of taking blind swipes everywhere on my body. Upon inspection with the hand mirror I saw what appeared to be the Batman insignia shaved into my Nether Lands. The more I tried to fix it the worse it got. One of the things I do remember clearly as I laid on the operating table before my C-section was the nurse telling me that they had to shave me, grabbing the razor, pulling back my gown, looking confused, and putting the razor back down without saying a word.

On our first visit to the pool last Saturday I thought maybe I could get away with not shaving, but when I took off my cover up I heard a little girl scream across the pool and tell her Mom that there was a tarantula crawling out of my bathing suit.

Ok, point taken. No need to broadcast it, little girl.

This is serious business, people - I'm scarring little children for life. I considered getting a bikini wax but I heard that your skin is more sensitive when you're pregnant and it could result in a bad rash. I'm out of options - I think it's time to call in a favor with Nick. He's the only person in the world who is legally required to love me no matter what.