All Right Stop...Collaborate And Listen


When you have a baby, you spend the first six months of its life putting it through a battery of tests to make sure the doctors did not miss anything with their evaluation. For instance, with Ellie I shined lights in her eyes and banged pots and pans next to hear ears to make sure she was not blind or deaf. Then I sprayed pepper spray in her face to make sure she had good reflexes.

She passed all of those tests with flying colors, which was a good thing because I was already very preoccupied with her other big problem – the fact that she was covered in fur. I'm not talking a light dusting of hair – no, this was full blown brown fur from the top of her head down her forehead covering her ears down her neck to her back and her across her shoulders.

She looked like she had a little baby fur mullet.

The nurses all told me it would go away but I knew it wouldn't and there she will be on her wedding day, in her beautiful flowing white gown, tufts of fur sticking out the top and by that time cascading down her back and out the bottom of the dress. In fact, we'd probably have to cut a hole in the butt for her tail.

She'll be forced to marry the only man who will have her – some blind dude into beastiality (do NOT Google that word to find out how to spell it, by the way).

But eventually it did fall out, and we were problem-free, or so I thought.

Last night Nick and I went for a walk, and after a while we took her out of her stroller to let her work on her walking skills.

Nick: Yeah, I've been watching that left foot because I noticed it was turned in when she was born, and I think... well...

Me: (my inner Mother freak out springing to life) W... W... what? You think what?

Nick: Oh, it's no big deal, she'll probably just need to have corrective shoes for a little while, that's all.

He said it like he commenting on the weather. CORRECTIVE SHOES? I don't want my kid to be the kid with corrective shoes! She would be different, and when you are in school, different is BAD.

Trust me, I looked like Vanilla Ice with acne and braces when I was in high school.

I'd prefer to have the fur back – at least I can put little bows in it.