The Beat Goes On


Forgive me followers for I have sinned… it’s been a very long time since my last correspondence. Mainly because I’ve found that a sense of humor is next to impossible with a severely sleep deprived brain, but also because our Internet access (and new found cable service) has been non-existent. My frustration with this has been released through a voodoo doll I fashioned in what I believe to be a likeness of the Phillipino AT&T customer service representative that I talk to (scream at) every day. In case you’d also like to drop her a little hello, her first name is “I Hate You” and her last name is “You Horrible Bitch”. My friendly nickname for her is “I’m going to stick a lit cigarette in your eye if we ever meet face to face.” Yet I digress…

Little Elliot came into our lives on May 6 and so far has survived diaper rash, baby acne (she has my genes to thank for that) and a blow to the back of the head from the ceiling fan when Nick lifted her up to put her in the baby carrier. So far I’ve survived a flood of bodily fluids which have ruined every t-shirt I own, 4-inch long nipples (they match the length of my leg hair and toenails), days without eating anything but Fig Newtons and hourly calls from my Mother telling me I’m doing everything wrong.

Parenting has been a very different experience than I anticipated. I never really understood why babies took up so much of my friends’ time and why they always complained that it was next to impossible to accomplish things during the day. I still don’t know the answer to that – all I know is what used to take 5 minutes now takes hours. Simple errands take all day - we have to pack for a camping trip each time we leave the house. Food. Blankets. Toiletries. Medicine. I made the mistake once of leaving the house without any supplies, thinking that she’d be ok. Notice I said once. Once you’ve had a shit-soaked smoke alarm shattering your ear drum from the backseat of a car that smells like rotten breast milk you tend not to want to experience that again.

My own personal hygiene has also become severely compromised. I found poop on my leg this morning and just realized it’s still there. To give you an idea of how seldom I To give you an idea of how seldom I shower these days – we moved into a new home two weeks after she was born and it wasn’t until three days later that I realized my underwear didn’t make the move.

I’ve also become significantly more paranoid than usual. Part of the reason I take so few showers is because I’m sure that the minute I step behind that curtain a burglar is going to break into the house and steal her. I also keep a flashlight next to the bed and routinely shine it on her stomach throughout the night to make sure she’s still breathing. If I can’t see movement I jostle her until she wakes with a start and her arms flail out and I know she’s still alive.

Now, with all that being said, I can’t even begin to describe how unbelievably awesome having a baby has been. While pregnant I had a very hard time believing there was an actual baby in there and having a C-section didn’t do much to help my brain make the connection. It was like my doctor was a magician who pulled a rabbit out of a hat from behind the big curtain and told me it was the fruit of my loins. It really wasn’t until the past few days that I’ve started to grasp the idea that this baby is my daughter and that she’s not going back home with her real Mom any time soon. While being held by someone else in a crowded room she’ll look around for my voice and my first reaction is to wonder why she’s looking for me. Then I realize I’m her Mom and it melts my heart. She also just started smiling and yesterday she laughed which made my stomach do a flip-flop. She’s definitely starting to redeem herself from being dubbed the “Worst Roommate Ever” by Nick.

Maternity leave has been pretty sweet, too. The timing couldn’t have been better, being the height of pool season and all. Elliot will be the tannest baby at day care. I’ve also been introducing her to the fine cinematic pleasures of daytime TV, which she seems to enjoy almost as much as I do. Right now we’re watching a Halloween marathon on AMC and she agrees that it’s remarkable that Dr. Loomis has made it all the way to #5.

Contrary to what I thought the night we brought her home, I’m pretty sure we’re going to keep her. Hopefully she feels the same about us.